I write this entry unfortunately in sadness. Monday night Matthew and I lost a second child to miscarriage. We hadn't told anyone, since it was still a surprise and a shock to us, but still at 11 weeks pregnant, it is hard to deal with losing another little angel.
The first ultrasound revealed the heartbeat was slow and the baby's growth was not on track, and even two weeks later when another ultrasound revealed the baby had still not grown significantly -- that precious little person was still trying so hard, as the heartbeat was still there, just very weak. What a fighter.
When I started bleeding with heavy clotting Monday night I knew what had happened. While I'm heartbroken that we won't ever hold this child, I am relieved to know that that little person is with Jesus in heaven, and we'll see that little angel, along with our other angel baby we lost a year after Brayden was born.
I know some people blame themselves or blame God or don't understand why things like this happen, but I feel all suffering and painful experiences are for a greater purpose. It's about becoming closer to the suffering of Jesus and offering it up. I have a long way to go in becoming closer to our Lord, but I will gladly offer any ill feelings I have up for the sake of women who don't have any children of their own to rejoice in and who will never know the beauty and miracle of mothering a child.