Kentucky Mom to Twins and More

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The top 9 most annoying Facebook users

Let's talk about Facebook shall we? It's a love-hate relationship, we all know it.

There are a billion people all logging on here daily - we are liking, poking, sharing, posting, uploading fools.
This cat had me at Meow.
Most of us can't imagine a time when we didn't click on that big, blue 'F' to check in with friends or see family pictures or watch a stupid cat video (I hate cats but I laughed my ass off when someone's newsfeed showed this cat standing on its hind legs peeking out the window with the meme, "When a cop pulls up in your neighbor's drive.") LOL. Like.

We love us some Facebook. But with hundreds of friends in our newsfeed, can we just admit we all see repeated offenses that might be, sort of... kind of... just a bit... ANNOYING?
Let me just say I'm probably the worst offender of a lot of these stereotypes, I'll admit it. I might brag about my kid being smart and cute and post pictures of him that nobody on planet Earth except maybe my mom cares about - but I still do it! I might be brimming with that old Holy Spirit some Sunday morning and post a Bible verse that a majority of my friends' list finds trite or meaningless (I will pray for their evil souls... kidding!) but I still do it.

So I mean no harm, no offense in anything I say. I'm that brutally honest friend everyone wants to slap sometimes. I blurt out stuff, usually things people think but never let roll off their tongue. My mom calls it, "diarrhea of the mouth." I've lost friends over it, yes, but guess what? If you can't handle the truth... then go talk to Jack Nicholson or something, I don't know.

You'll note I have not listed the Facebook Political Poster. I think we all have politically charged posters on our newsfeed (I could probably wipe out half my friends' list if we were just talking politics) so let's tiptoe around that one and agree that Facebook should be fun. Let's not go shoving American flags up anyone's yahoo today.

Here are the top 9 most annoying Facebook users. Which one are you?

1. The Facebook Pet Person. We all love a good dog story or the cat-in-lap picture and who can't keep from crying after reading about the two-legged, blind, rescued Cocker Spaniel who found his forever home? Ok, but at some point I'm thinking several pictures a day of your pet, your dog licking your kids, your dog chasing a ball, your dog catching a newspaper in his teeth -- whatever -- I love that you love your pet, but it's just too much. Now excuse me while I go post a pic of my dog who just crapped on the kitchen floor.

2. The Facebook Gym Rat. We know those people who feel an unquenchable desire to let us know anytime they have checked into the gym, how many deadlift reps (or whatever the term is), how many squats, how many miles or how many calories they've burned in 4.5 minutes. We get it! We are fat and on the couch and you are simultaneously lifting heavy weights balancing on an exercise ball and posting your progress via your miletracker thingie. Hans and Franz would be very proud of you, but it only reminds me that I'm out of shape, so stop it.

Nailed it!
3. The Facebook/Pinterest Poster. Guilty! This person thinks an entire friendslist is dying to know the recipe for anything that contains Nutella, how to make rainbow-food-colored spaghetti (just tell your picky-eater kid to eat plain spaghetti like a normal human), or how to grow flowers out of glass mason jars that you can also string lights through and hang for your September barn dance. In this case, don't stop posting you crazy dreamer. I continue to enjoy the fails of my many attempts at the recipes and crafts you pin.

4. The Facebook Vacationer. You are kind of cheating at the Facebook posting game -- we don't see or hear from you for weeks, months even. We wonder, "did I get unfriended?" But alas, you pop up. You are on vacation. You have a Corona in your hand and your toes in the sand. You are on a tropical island and it's 10 degrees and snowy for everyone else (or at least anyone who lives in Michigan) and you're pretty much just bragging that you are tan and we are pasty white. I get it. I've done it. Next...

5. The Facebook Lurker. This person has a page. It may or may not contain a profile picture from 10 years ago. It might list a place of work, but likely no pictures and no recent posts. We know you only come on here to stalk people you went to high school with or see what kind of Nutella recipe I'm posting. I know this because these people always know your business, and how would they know about the cat video I just LOL'd unless they were lurking on my page? Quit it, you're creepy!

The classic naked kid Xmas pic.
6. The Facebook Baby/Kid Poster. Before all you momma bears go roaring and thrashing at me, I'll admit that I, too, am guilty of this one. We are the worst! Pictures and videos of our adorable babies sleeping, drooling, singing, dancing, smashing cupcakes -- our kids playing soccer, hanging from the monkey bars, petting zoo animals, cheesing in front of the Magic Kingdom (it's not a small world anymore people, everyone takes this picture!) Despite people warning us of the pedophiles waiting to pounce on our naked kid pics, we do that too. I suppose the people on our friendslists who don't have kids are probably the most annoyed with these posts, and I imagine them silently scrolling through, but inside they are probably screaming, "I don't care about your kid's haircut and I can't even tell a difference!" It's ok, no-kid Facebook scroller, I've said it for you.

7. The Facebook Selfie Queen. This needs no explanation, but I will elaborate. If your profile pic changes more than you change your underwear (which I hope is daily) then you are an offender. If your selfie is of you in a bathroom somewhere (unless you have a really great poop story to go with it) please don't post it. If your selfie is of you in the car seatbelted in with your Kim Kardashian pout telling everyone how great your hairdo looks, please just stop. If your nose (or the nostril/underside angle of your nose) makes up 50 percent of the selfie, please save us from seeing what only a practicing ENT should see. Enough!

8. The Constant Facebook Status Updater. Ok again, I'm guilty as anyone. But this has got to be the worst offender. The world does not need to know every second of your life how you are feeling, what you are doing, what movie you're watching, where you are going, what restaurant you have checked into, what you are eating and when you arrive home (usually drunk). I think your posts would be helpful to us if you were a serial killer and we needed to pinpoint your alibi, but until you go murdering a couple people, please stop telling us every minute detail of your life.

9. The Facebook Holy Roller. Ok I'm a believer in God, too --I'd be scared NOT to be, because come Judgement Day, I'm going to need WHOMEVER is in charge to have mercy on me for all the things I've said and done (mostly the things I've said and done in my pregnancy/childbearing years from age 30-39). The comforting Bible scriptures, warm and fuzzy inspirational quotes with waterfalls and sunsets or the prayer requests for everything from finding a lost paci to praying for a T-ball win - it's all a bit much. This type of Facebooker may as well claim to own a selfie with John the Baptist. How about just once a week on Sundays? When we're all feeling that old Holy Spirit. Meantime, please pray for my judgemental ass so I don't go straight to hell, ok?