I was checking my newsfeed the other day and I kind of hated myself. Lots of kid pics. Lots of pointless videos and LOL comments. A few selfies. Ugh, please can I just unfriend myself?
Let's talk about Facebook for a sec. We all know we're addicted to it - but nobody likes to admit it. Facebook is like the goody-two-shoes cousin of Twitter - with her pretty, smiley teeth and pictures of her frolicking in sunflower fields, inspirational words after she left church (while we all burn), oh and those feel good stories she shared about cops shopping with poor kids. But we all know Facebook is so bullshit.
Billions of us are liking, sharing, posting, uploading fools all day long. We have an itch to click on that big, blue 'F' to check in ... or maybe just to watch a stupid cat video (I hate cats but I laughed my ass off when someone's newsfeed showed this cat standing on its hind legs peeking out the window). LOL. Insert laugh emoji. We love our Facebook, don't we?
So can we just admit we all have those people we really can't stand on here, too (people like me). I may brag about my kids being smart and cute and post pictures of them that nobody on planet Earth except maybe my mom cares about - but I still do it. I may be brimming with that old Holy Spirit some Sunday morning and post a Bible verse that the majority of my friends list finds trite or meaningless, but I still do it. I post those annoying moms night out pics (with wine in hand) way too much, but I still do it. We need to come to terms with how annoying we all are on here.
Luckily, I've listed them for you, so please spot yourself amongst the mix and cut that shit out. Yes, I'm admitting I'm probably the worst offender of a lot of these stereotypes, but someone has to say something. I mean no harm. I'm that brutally honest friend everyone wants to slap sometimes. I blurt things I probably shouldn't. My mom calls it "diarrhea of the mouth." I've lost friends over it, yes, but I speak the truth. So if you can't handle the truth... then I guess you go talk to Jack Nicholson or something.
|This cat had me at Meow.|
You'll note I have not listed the Facebook Political Poster. Everyone has politically charged posters in their newsfeeds (I could probably wipe out half my friends list if we were just talking politics) so let's tiptoe around that one and agree that Facebook should be fun. Let's not go shoving American flags up anyone's yahoo today.
Here are the top 9 most annoying Facebook users. Which one are you?
1. The Facebook Pet Person. We all love a good dog story or the cat-in-lap picture and who can't keep from crying after reading about the two-legged, blind, rescued Cocker Spaniel who found his forever home? Ok, ok, but at some point I'm thinking several pictures a day of your pet, your dog licking your kids, your dog chasing a ball, your dog catching a newspaper in his teeth - whatever - is too much. I love that you love your pet, but just stop. Now excuse me while I go post a pic of my dog who just crapped on the kitchen floor.
2. The Facebook Gym Rat. We all know the people who feel an unquenchable desire to let us know anytime they have checked into the gym, how many deadlift reps (or whatever the term is), how many squats, how many miles or how many calories they've burned in 4.5 minutes. We get it! We are fat and on the couch and you are lifting heavy weights, balancing on an exercise ball and posting your progress via your miletracker thingie. Hans and Franz would be very proud of you, but it only reminds us that we're probably out of shape, so stop it.
4. The Facebook Vacationer. You are kind of cheating at the Facebook posting game -- we don't see or hear from you for weeks, months even. We wonder, "Did I get unfriended?" But alas, you pop up. You are on vacation. You have a Corona in your hand and your toes in the sand. You are on a tropical island and it's 10 degrees and snowy for everyone else (or at least anyone who lives in the Midwest) and you're pretty much just bragging that you are tan and we are pasty white. I get it. I've done it. Next...
5. The Facebook Lurker. This person has a page. It may or may not contain a profile picture from 15 years ago. It might list a place of work, but likely no pictures and no recent posts. We know you only come on here to stalk people you went to high school with or see what kind of Nutella recipe I'm posting. I know this because these people always know your business, and how would they know about the cat video I just LOL'd unless they were lurking on my page? So quit it, you're creepy!
|The classic naked kid Xmas pic.|
It's ok, no-kid Facebook scroller, I've said it for you.
7. The Facebook Selfie Queen. This needs no explanation, but I will elaborate. If your profile pic changes more than you change your underwear (which I hope is daily) then you are an offender. If your selfie is of you in a bathroom somewhere (unless you have a really great poop story to go with it) please don't post it. If your selfie is of you in the car seatbelted in with your Kim Kardashian pout telling everyone how great your new hairdo looks, please just stop. If your nose (or the nostril/underside angle of your nose) makes up 50 percent of the selfie, please save us from seeing what only a practicing ENT should see. Enough!
8. The Constant Facebook Status Updater. Ok again, I'm guilty as anyone. But this has got to be the worst offender. The world does not need to know every second of your life how you are feeling, what you are doing, what movie you're watching, what airport you are sitting in, where you are going, what restaurant you have checked into, what you are eating and when you arrive home (usually drunk). I think your posts would be helpful to us if you were a serial killer and we needed to pinpoint your alibi, but until you go murdering a couple people, please stop telling us every minute detail of your life.
9. The Facebook Holy Roller. Ok I'm a believer in God, too - I'd be scared NOT to be, because come Judgement Day, I'm going to need whomever is in charge to have mercy on me for all the things I've said and done (mostly the things I've said and done in my pregnancy/childbearing years from age 30-39).
But the comforting Bible scriptures, warm and fuzzy inspirational quotes with waterfalls and sunsets or the prayer requests for everything from headaches, lost pacifiers or just hoping for a T-ball win - it's all a bit much. This type of Facebooker may as well claim to own a selfie with John the Baptist himself. How about just once a week on Sundays? When we're all feeling that old Holy Spirit. Meantime, please pray for my ass too, so I don't end up in hell ok?