Kentucky Mom to Twins and More

Monday, July 8, 2019

Five easy ways to find your kids this summer


Some of you may have kids home this summer like I do. While I do try and force them outside to climb a tree or ride a bike, sometimes they are squirreled away somewhere in the bowels of this house playing iPads or mesmerized by Fortnite worlds. I find we've got way too many unfinished chores, unmade beds and overall a messy house. It's hard to find a kid to help me get anything done around here. I've been a mother nearly 13 years now and I'm pretty good at yelling and whistling for them. But sometimes no matter how hard I yell up the stairs or holler for them from the kitchen, not one of them will come answer me when I want them to. It's maddening.  


Well, I have found there are some alternative methods to wrangling up your kids when you want them to appear. Every one of these works like a charm. If you haven't already discovered these tactics... you're welcome. Here are the TOP FIVE EASIEST WAYS TO FIND YOUR KIDS – when repeatedly calling or yelling for them just isn't working.


1. Can't find your kid in order to get him to pick up his pool towel off the floor? Or to carry his laundry downstairs? This one is easy. Turn on your shower. Let it get good and steamy, then get undressed and step in. Start lathering up your hair with shampoo, feel the warm suds running down your back. Ahhhh, it's relaxing isn't it? Nope. BOOM! All your kids (or at least three of them) will be peering through the shower glass at your naked ass. Someone is probably whining. Another might tell you what she thinks of your boobs. But there they are – all of your spawn in that room, staring at you in the shower.


2. Need to give your kid a lesson on how to flush a damn toilet? But every time you come upon the situation at hand, you find yourself screaming, "WHO THE HELL LEFT THIS SITTING IN THE TOILET BOWL?" This is also easy. You're going to have to have saved up pretty much your entire breakfast and lunch, and all that coffee in between and rush to your bathroom. Sit down on the toilet and just when you are ready for release, BOOM! There are your kids. They should be either standing right next to you, or if you closed the door, they will be the ones banging the other side of it. This trick will also be good for when you are yelling for someone to come learn how to change out the toilet paper roll.


3. You've been hollering for someone to come pick up the pop tart crumbs that have been all over the kitchen floor since breakfast. Yep. I've been there too– every damn day. Here's what you're going to do. Open the pantry door, step inside and close the door (or leave it ajar – either works) then you're going to quietly as possible tear open a corner of a Hershey's bar. Some of you freaks (like me) are going to dip that chocolate bar into a can of JIF peanut butter in order to create your own homemade Reese's treat. And that first bite is going to taste so good, friend. But that's all you're going to get. Because... BOOM! All your kids are standing at the pantry now, and they too, are asking for a bit of your Hershey and or peanut butter homemade treats. And snacks. They want all the snacks.



4. Want to know how to get the kids back down in the basement to clean up the Orbeez beads left all over the playroom floor? Or to pick up all the scraps from the craft you just told them to do because it was more "enriching" and "educational" than if they had just watched a Henry Danger episode? Ok, you're going to need your phone for this one. I know many of us don't use this function on our cell phones, but there is a green button on the home screen menu with a telephone icon. Click in there, choose someone from your favorites list, and hit "call." As soon as that person picks up and you are connected, BOOM! Your children will no doubt be in that playroom – at volumes you only thought possible inside the Cincinnati Bengals stadium. (It's a good idea to pre-text the caller to let them know you will be hanging up on them after about 6 seconds into the call, though.)


5. This next one is almost too easy, I'm almost embarrassed to list it because it's widely known among mothers as a perfect way to summon your children. I believe it's probably in all the mothering manuals or maybe featured in the What to Expect When You're Expecting series, too. This one is a great way to get your kids to come no matter the situation. This has even been known to rip a 12-year-old from a Fortnite battle, it's that powerful. You are going to need to be pretty tired for this one.


Ok, wherever you are in your house, be it near a couch or in your bedroom, maybe in a sunroom wicker chair... lay down, get cozy under a blanket maybe – start reading a couple sentences of a book if that's your fancy. Then as you tire, close your eyes and just start to absorb the silence around you and feel the weight of a nap setting in your bones... and then... BOOM! There are your children, right there at your head, probably chanting "mom, mom, mom" in unison. You won't know what time it is in that moment or how much time elapsed since you shut your eyes (guaranteed it wasn't more than three minutes, my friend). They will ALL be right there. Probably asking you what's for dinner. They might tell you there's a spider in a remote corner of the basement (where all the Orbeez go to die). They may ask you to change the toilet paper roll. They could be begging for snacks.


But hey, congrats, you’ve got them all here – you did it. Just like you do everything around here, mom. You did it. You always do, right?